TOP 8 REASONS NOT TO BE BAPTIZED IN CHOCOLATE MILK:
1. People get upset when they're reminded to bring a change of clothes, not a straw
2. Cows picket the church for recognition
3. Lovers of white milk tend to file discrimination charges
4. Soda manufacturers who feel slighted want equal time, rushing to cut promotional deals to have their products served during church communion service
5. Milk carton not big enough for pastor to stand in and dip converts
6. Chocolate milk baptisms tend to attract overweight surfers
7. Atheist black cattle and atheist white cattle threaten to stampede sacred water ceremony - unless the preacher facilitates a dairy miracle involving a spotted cow producing a mixed drink
8. Aging heifers promise to surround spiritual converts and begin mooing in tongues...until the entire world is covered with powdered cheese
Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit..." (JOHN 3:5)
IF IT'S ALL GOOD...IT'S ALL GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 5 Reasons I Can't Believe God Still Loves Me:
1. Once while lost driving through an unfamiliar neighborhood, a friend with an out-of-date road map told me where to go - and I returned the favor.
2. Two elderly ladies were having trouble with their heavy groceries. A third elderly woman with no groceries asked if I could help with the bags. I asked her how far the bags were from home.
3. When my sister told me she was going to have to move her family into a shelter, I congratulated her for being one step ahead of a nuclear attack.
4. After a church concert, an inexperienced soloist asked me if I thought her voice massaged God's ear. I told her yes - right to sleep.
5. When one of our church members - who wears too much make-up - asked me what improvement I thought God would add to her new heavenly appearance, I told her a paper bag.
I treated God's creations so terribly, yet He showed me such mercy. So kind and loving is our Lord and Savior that He stepped out of His glorious heaven and DIED for US!!! Let's return joyfully His Love to Him and His creations - and be better spiritual beings for it on Earth and in Heaven (MATTHEW 22:37 thru 39).
IF IT'S ALL GOOD...IT'S ALL GOD!!!!
Yes folks, the four-legged friends God made to keep us company are wonderfully lovable, loving and should be showered with love in return. But for that particular group of extremely passionate animal lovers who go overboard by saying "dog is God spelled backwards", let me assure you that my life-after-death destination DOES NOT end with my spirit taking up residence in the poop-paved streets of COLLIEWOOD.
IF IT'S ALL GOOD, IT'S ALL GOD!!!!
Looking at where I am now vs. where I was before I started my spiritual walk, I'm not doing nearly as badly as I was in recent history! Check this out for progress!
BEFORE COMING TO KNOW CHRIST...
...My soul was so black, my shadow accused me of cheating
...I was so disliked, hungry pigeons returned my bread crumbs
...I was such a snob, I wouldn't let God into my heart unless He agreed to use the back entrance
...I was so vain, I used to make my reflection kiss my ring finger
...I was so needy, my longest relationship was with my mother's umbilical cord
...I was so unpopular, the voices in my head avoided speaking to me
...I was so overly sensitive, I almost cried in a pet store when their offensive stockboy flipped me the birdseed
...I was so lazy that to avoid the extra effort of having to chew my food, I'd eat my meals in a walk-in freezer - and wait for my teeth to chatter
Oh yes, I may have a ways to go, but I'm certainly not what or where I used to be! Thank you Lord for your extraordinary patience with me - and loving me through those unbearable patches when others had given up on me. (I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. PSALM 13:6)
IF IT'S ALL GOOD, IT'S ALL GOD!!!
They say nobody's perfect. Then why are soooooo many people only too happy to point out that I'm even LESS perfect than others? Here's what I've overheard people saying about me:
**HIS BRAIN IS SO SMALL THAT THE LAST TIME HE SNEEZED, THEY FOUND IT IN HIS KLEENEX
**THE GUY IS SO UNATTRACTIVE, HIS FACE CAN CRACK OXYGEN
**HIS WAIST IS SO WIDE, HIS BELT IS MADE OUT OF THE SAME MATERIAL THEY USE TO MAKE GUARD RAILS
**HIS VOICE IS SO FREAKISHLY HIGH THAT TO CONVINCE HIS DATES HE'S A MAN, HE HAS TO TALK WHILE HE'S BELCHING
**HE'S GOT SO MANY PIMPLES ON HIS FACE, BLIND PEOPLE MISTAKE HIM FOR A BOOK
**HIS BREATH IS SO BAD, YOU CAN SMELL IT ON HIS THOUGHTS
Man, the world can be extremely cruel! But our Heavenly Creator tells me lovingly in His Word that He created me and that I am truly special to HIM! That Someone of such power and might feels that way about YOU and ME is astounding!!! Thank you, Lord, for Your love and mercy towards me.
(I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. PSALM 139:14)
IF IT'S ALL GOOD, IT'S ALL GOD!!!
2. One woman told me she never dates men in her own denomination because it always turns out they have the same (heavenly) Father.
3. Last week, a lady hogged the whole session talking about her favorite episodes of "Jerusalem Shore".
4. A woman dying to get married wants to be baptized with her future husband, and broadcast the event on a website called YouTub.
5. To prove that working for the power company is part of her ministry, my last shoe-hating date plans to step out by faith to walk on electricity.
So the Christian cyber-dating scene hasn't worked out as well for me as it has for some, but I know God will give me the right woman when it's time. IF IT'S ALL GOOD, IT'S ALL GOD!!!
Hey, anybody out there besides this faith-filled believer have a bunch of burning questions that need answering? Questions that drive you crazy because of the deep mysteries behind them?
For instance, was Adam mad at Eve because on her very first day of existence, she lied to him about her age? Is it true that Goliath was near-sighted and believed David when he claimed to be an optometrist’s apprentice – who was certified to launch a state-of-the-art contact lens into the giant’s eye that was made of stone?
Is it true that Rameses first became extremely jealous of Moses during the birthday party of the Pharaoh's candy-loving son, when Moses saved the dull celebration by throwing down his huge staff and turning it into a gummy serpent?
When you die, what if your body accidentally goes to heaven and they bury your spirit? In times of spiritual sickness, do you need a note from a doctor of divinity to stay home from Sunday school?
So many questions, so little time! Here’s the ONE thing I do know: Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior – no questions asked!!!